Mar 25, 2016

On Mahler's Music

I love listening to music. Music as in, choices of song that will remind me of certain events, my childhood, high school years or I don't know..what seems audible to me.

I think music is a part of an art, and I love arts. I love coming to theater and watch without blinking, and yet I've never had the chance to attend orchestra.

However, last year on the end of the year, I decided to buy a ticket to Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra(MPO) inside KLCC. It was exciting! I went with a friend of mine who plays violin, and she liked it too.

It was Gustave Mahler's Symphony. I've never heard of Mahler, but I do listen to Beethoven and Mozart. 

I don't how to say, but the whole thing is just beautiful. I spoke to Hajar(the friend that came with me);

"Babe, lepas I kahwin I nak date sini."
" Then you gotta marry a man who appreciates music."
"I know right! I hope he won't feel sleepy throughout the orchestra."

Too princessy right? But I really put this place in one of my wishlists of places to go right after I'm married. Of course, the hall is beautiful and extremely intricate. I did even write a few poem inside my notebook while listening to the orchestra :)

On my thoughts while re-listening to Mahler;

Seorang lelaki bernama Gustave Mahler, seperti Beethoven dan Mozart - seolah-olah memberitahu aku betapa lelaki tidak mampu untuk menyampaikan perasaannya dalam bentuk kata-kata. Sedalam mana cinta yang Mahler miliki kepada Alma, hanya mampu diluahkan dengan nota-nota muzik, akhirnya dimainkan dengan penuh perasaan oleh orang lain. 

Mungkin ada benarnya.Kadang kala cinta tak dapat diungkap sebagai sajak dalam bentuk kata-kata. Tetapi ditulis dalam irama dan dipanggil 'poet-composer', menghimpunkan aksara-aksara dalam bentuk nota muzik menjadi sebuah lagu - sebuah sajak yang lengkap untuk jiwa-jiwa yang mendalami.

Betapa sukar memahami hati seorang lelaki.

P/S : Pasca Mahler's Revelation, Philharmonic Orchestra.

As I listened to Mahler's Symphony, I feel the need to read the entire composed songs in a form of words. There must be a story behind a composed song, so much so that it inspires him to write it that way. Either the anger, anguish, the torment and agony of facing challenges - all a facade of each song written by Mahler. Without even a shred of doubt, each of the song recited at MPO was harmonically, structurally, orchestration wise and length wise. It defines a peak of emotion and expression instilled in human. Something about the music is speaking to me..I supposed!

I made some effort to google the life of Mahler; and he was not what I thought. He suffered from a psychosomatic nervous tic in his right leg and he was unable to move freely, and even inherited his mother's heart defect. I think that's how you come into getting respect from the world; through hell of life challenges that drives you to do nothing but excel.

That's all. I suddenly feel like talking about Mahler and my desire to go on a date at MPO next time.

p/s : Not that kind of date. Of course my kind of date will be with my bestfriend.

pp/s : Dear you,

You got me at,
"I love reading, especially with vanilla latte as the best companion.And listening to music, Mahler sometimes.Beethoven and Mozart everytime.Or any orchestra will do." 

Mar 22, 2016


Countdown IB exam : I lost count.40 days? I don't know.
Countdown to 20 year old : 16 days

It just feels like spilling. I don't know why, but it just feels that way. But I've always succumbed by own thoughts and monologues, hardly expressed by words. Rather explaining it is hard, or even worse, that there's no word to explain what I ought to tell.

Situation is a bit catastrophe to me. Almost everything comes at the wrong time and I feel dizzy over it. Sometimes in my life, I wish I could pick and choose things and events to happen at the right time, right moment, and at my very right feeling.

As I am about to reach 20 year old( and that is a signal that I am no longer young), there are few events escalated too quickly. I won't tell, but it is just dramatically escalated in my life event. So much so that I really need to run on the escalator of life just to keep myself at the same point as I am running my daily business.

Anyway, I came across reading Buya Hamka Tafseer Al-Azhar; and I think the tafseer was eloquent and well-written in words. It fits me at the right situation every time I flipped through the book. MasyaAllah, He's really teaching me something.

And, alhamdulillah I've passed my JPJ test after god-knows-how-many-times-I've-tried. So happy that now I'm driving KL - KMB and even to Kuala Selangor at night without a 'P' yet. Happy as I could drive my family to whereever they wish to go, at least I could lessen their tiredness of driving. Bless is just therefore, an underestimate.

" I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now" - said anonymous

One week back, during my mid semester break, I went(I mean, I drove :p) to UIA just to see my girls! How they've all grown up so fast and beautiful and I feel old reminding old days where we were so rebellious back then.

It was so random that one of my friend invited me to go and listen to Islamic Worldview class, and I have no doubt at all to join in. Worse comes to worst, I met an old friend during primary school that we were once captain for handball together. We didn't get to see each other often, but I could still remember how I greeted him the first time after four years as we got first place for PMR result in Negeri Selangor. He's a great debater in English and Arab now, but he used to be one lame joke that I often talked with back then 8 years ago. Things just work too fast, and I keep on holding to sentimental and memories.

Alright, I get to go. Chemistry exercises await and with 41 days left to IB exam - I shouldn't be wasting my time. For those who has always been loyal to read my blog( I know there are), thank you but there's nothing useful here. Just some random spilling and scattered thoughts that I keep to be shared publicly. Some great matters, I keep it to self. Some personal events, I will write in a book that I keep with me.

Your prayers is highly appreciated.

Mar 11, 2016

Women's Day and My Superwoman

I have a mother who is very much career-oriented, and actively involved with so many things beyond her job as a lawyer. I grew up accompanying her to court in the very early of morning( and I'm totally not a morning person), or tagging along her to various of events.I'm very much well-known among her friends, allowing me to get extra-popularity(?) and more duit raya(?), heh. She's a multi-tasker; a mother, a good cook, a lawyer, a chauffeur and somebody else's clinging place to ask for help/legal advice/opinion/you name it.

I get it that a woman does not necessarily have to be at kitchen as I grew up seeing my mother doing many things beyond a kitchen. Though I am well-aware of old people who kept on saying that we girls belong to the kitchen that we do not need to attain higher education as we'll end up being a cook. Social fabric has determined that woman is often associated to doing house chores as they choose to be a wife, but that's not just it.

I once had a good conversation with my friend. Her mother is not good at multi-tasking, therefore their family have been hiring a bibik that will be doing all their house chores. But not until the bibik said she wanted to go back to her hometown, Indonesia. She was afraid if her mother couldn't make it as her mother is a working mom, and never used to being good at both working and doing house chores. I smiled and said, 

" Hey girl, our mothers are superwomen. They are just one tough adamantium, made up in an amazing way that they have such an instinct - to do the very best in whatever they need to do."

and wow, I'm referring to my own mother to be honest.

My mother is a working mom since I was born and up until today - she's one tough woman who keep on pursuing what she loves to do.Growing up looking at her, I could never imagine how does it feels like when a woman was told to just be in the kitchen when they are educated, highly-skilled, and can even stand as high as a man. Had I told you that my mom joins politics too? Hehe. So, I don't understand some social stigma that proposes woman to be inactive when I know that this society will be better having them empowered.

 I understand, totally understand how tired she is at the end of the day, and I couldn't do anything to help reduce her fatigue. I totally don't understand how she'll make time attending Parents-Teachers meeting, picking me up at boarding school & colleges( sometimes, I had to ask her to pick or send me due to big luggage causing immobility) and making time listening to me whining. Dear god, is she a god-sent from Heaven to help me in this Earth?

As a daughter to a working mom, I have to keep myself emotionally stable. Why? Because she might came back home feeling tired and everything will go wrong in the house. I have to mentally prepared when she could not pick up my phone call when she needs to entertain her clients' problems which are apparently bigger than mine, and yes, sometimes I feel like she loves her clients more than me. But then again, I had to put myself in her situation. I can't do both thing at the same time, talking to her daughter that will relentlessly converse about unimportant things and at the same time solving some legal issues. You know right? I realized that she has always been there everytime I'm on stage to receive awards and good examination results, and I know, deep down in her heart, she feels so relieved that I have become a good product to console her from the guilt of becoming a working mom.

I know she won't realize I've grown up to become a young woman, and she may have missed out many moments of my life; the rebellious teenager years, the pre-menstrual syndrome, and many more. But she'll make time sleeping next to me while cuddling my hair and audible enough for me to listen her said,

"dah besar panjang anak mummy."

Nothing else is inspiring than to see my own mother working hard to be balanced in both worlds; a mother and a lawyer.She has been through so many hardships and hurdles before building her own empire, a legal firm that she insisted me to replace her right after I graduated with a degree. One of the reason for me to choose doing Law for my undergraduate studies, yes. She has put so much to be the best mother and the best lawyer and I could not say no to her wish, and I'm fine though being a lawyer in the future. 

This International Women's Day highlighted so many women in this world that is highly recognized, but my mother is an unsung hero, to me. I could not deny that my mother deserves to be recognized for all her hard work and effort to become a great woman, and believe me that all our mother deserves to be one. I'm gonna tell all the modern women out there to keep yourself going, achieve great things and be a proud mother of your kids too! We understand your career and your struggles in juggling between two worlds, and we'll support you with love and prayers.

I never stop praying for my mother to always be in a good health, blessed with sustenance and will always be guided under the provision of Allah. 

Mar 10, 2016

On Stage #KMBLife

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
As I'm writing this, I am getting near to the final exam with many horrendous yet unexpected events coming in i.e. I have to amend my economics commentary and my Business Management IA too got rejected after 4th drafts.

God save me,please.

Anyway, last two weeks I went to Kolej Professional MARA Seri Iskandar for a formal event held by MARA. Good thing is that I don't have to go to class on Friday and I got to travel to a place I've never been before. Yey! I was informed that I will be getting an award, but it was unclear and I didn't expect anything high. All I know that I'm going out of college for a gateaway and I will be having a good dinner, that's it.

Alhamdulillah, I guess Allah is so kind that He bestowed me with many uncountable blessings and this too, is a part of His love to me. I'm grateful that as my name was announced on the stage, I got third place for the main award of the night. Ok la, third place out of all students in Kolej MARA and Kolej Professional MARA, hehe. And to begin with, I only send my CV with few of reports I did while keeping my CAS record so it wasn't even a hassle process to me. I encouraged several of my friends that I know has the potential to win the award, but I didn't know that I'm among the chosen one.

I guess that's the good thing of this life - a competitive and encouraging relationship among my friends in KMB. We never envy each other, but in a way, I do feel sad that one of my closest friend didn't make it to at least shortlisted for the award.

If I were to recall my 2 years of journey in KMB, I've always had a productive weekend with joining Model United Nations. If not, then I'll be joining other things under PKPIM( Persatuan Kebangsaan Pelajar Islam Malaysia) or attending Saturday Night Lecture. I got invited to speak out at certain roundtable discussions and events, so it is really helpful for me to fill in CV(curriculum vitae), and beyond that, I can even improve myself to better.I've always have something to do.

Was among those who were shortlisted. I feel so short!

Yet again, I was told to stand in between two tall boys. 

These four boys are among those who won for CSR in Malaysia and overseas.

Lovely whole bunch of Kolej MARA Banting lecturers, teachers and students.

There goes one happy girl. I got third place for the main award of the night : Anugerah Kecemerlangan Kokurikulum

" Let me see teacher, if it is either real glass or not."

Taking pictures with Kolej MARA Seremban girls. They are amazing bunch of A-level students and they even congratulate me after the event despite not knowing each other.

All in all, I personally feels that students should less care about doing co-curricular activities just to write it down on your CV. I think it is more about improving yourself,  your skills and enjoy your free time with something. My involvement with many volunteering activities has widened my horizen, made me meet many awesome bunch of people that I never knew about. And hey, what's loss you have if you could make use of your energy and young for something beneficial?

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

Mar 5, 2016

Post Unhealthy Allergy

I've been sick for the past three days. I woke up after a tiring class in the afternoon to a form of allergy(I'm not sure either) that can be obviously informed by many small dots on my face. It feels so uncomfortable and I looked like a zombie that I don't feel any confident to go out of the room.

I told my mother of this matter, and she said that no one is looking at me. So I might as well get my life going, she said. But the allergy gets worse and I could not do anything except to see doctor in any nearest time.

So on Thursday evening, after receiving consent from TPHEP(Students' Affairs) I am finally home after two weeks. It ain't that cherishing, as I was totally bedridden with few pills that I took to cure the dots on my face, and I was forced to take juice and fruits for breakfast. It's just totally sickening as I could not even sit properly to study due to head ache coming along with flu and still some dots on my face!

So today I met a dermatologist to inform my problem and he gave some medicines. Afterall, I've never had any issue with allergy so it's kinda weird for the first time handling this matter.

But oh, no, that's not my first issue to highlight.

But my second point is how I have lost some confidence when I feel less beautiful. Apparently, during the sick time I could not bother how I looked like. I could not even wear a matching tudung with my blouse, and I did not put anything on my face as I usually do.

When I went out to see my doctor, only then I put on some powder and cream to my face to cover up the dots that came all of sudden. Doctor verified by asking me, "Oh you letak some cream on your face ke?" I nodded and say yes I did.

How I realized my confidence level was easily snatched away by looking less beautiful. No, it is not even a good sign to me. To me, a woman is beautiful as she is in no matter how she looked like, with or without make up, as long as she feels comfortable with herself. But, however, I am still thrilled by how I easily got lost when I feel less beautiful by other people's look. Hey dear, what's with your confidence? What's with the Balqis that is known for her bravery and courage no matter of came what may? 

I poorly looked at myself and how my dependency goes to self-appealing look and appearance, the existence of some make up that I've just learned to do so since last year( I'm turning 20 years old and people will call a woman instead of a girl, so I had to learn, no?). But, that's how woman will change over time.

They first thought they are beautiful the way they are, not until they are exposed to make ups. Then, as she learns how to wear make up, she started to believe that beautiful is defined by 'this look'(of herself in the mirror with make up all over her face). She would be less comfortable whenever something happened to her face for she'll lose her self-esteem and she will negatively think on how people will be looking at her flaws.

Boys please tell them girls they are wrong.

Ok, at one point, girls don't look beautiful to attract men and that's simply wrong in the religion. But I myself personally, I'd be insecure to see my girls looked even more beautiful and I am simply dull. Or girls are easily attracted to beautiful things, so that does explains why girls would put big effort on trying to look beautiful.

Alright, I'm getting near to IB exam and I should start studying since my health is getting better.Its my third day of living in my house and I'm going back to the college tomorrow with many to-do-lists. Life will be busy, hectic, tiring and I'd be drown with many homework. Something that I'm familiar with, hehe.

Goodbye Kuala Lumpur, see you in another 2 weeks.