Then, the thought of 'the ifs' come afterwards. Like, really. It came spontaneously.
What if the guy I'm married to someday is going to make me feel guilty for choosing him? What if I can't cook and he would leave me because of my dish? What if I want to work in UK after degree and he wants to work in Malaysia? Are we going to be separated, then? What if he cannot accept me for who I am - as I may not be ideally good as any others. I sometimes feel so lazy taking care of my own appearance. I sometimes too lazy to fold blanket before going to class. I sometimes too lazy to wash my clothes, and I'll wait until weekend so that I'd get ample time for it.
All those what ifs are too overwhelming to me.
But the ultimate question is : Do I even have someone responsible to rely on?
I'm a good observer. I've seen how many men out there are not responsible and mean towards the girls. Whenever I am in the train, I will look at men who would rather sit than giving it to old ladies or girls who need it even more than him. I've heard and read many cases, that men do not give enough monetary term to their wives, rather would pass the responsible of taking care the family needs to working wives.
And the thought is provoking me to stop thinking of living for two, because the probability to find a nice man may seems to be too subtle. I may be pessimistic this time, but as a girl - I counted that my life span that will be spent for marriage life is more than living single, and that's long to sustain.
I don't know. I'm just afraid that whatever that comes after this, may not be sustainable for me. Of course, an Economist would always think of what can be sustain in the long run, and that's the ultimate goal of economics. But yup, marriage may not be sustainable or sweet as it is. Marrying the wrong guy would lead to divorce or fight that will end up the ties, and that's what I'm avoiding to. Never wanted to.
That is when I realized I think too much. I have to be more relax, as its always a long way to go for me.
So, the idea of a sustainable and long term relationship has put me to believe that a quality and ideal man that I'm looking for should not be based on looks, rather his personality. How he'd put forward his family before anything else, how he would think that career should not set aside his time for family, but that should not makes him less-career type of man.
Love can sometimes more complex than meiosis.
Or maybe I am even more complex than meiosis.
Or maybe both :)
This post is just my random thought. Trust me.