So yesterday I went to an usrah under PEPIAS.It was nothing extraordinary,but I think I just got myself knocked.I am just far from who I always am,the Balqis that people always look up to..because recently I have realized - that I changed alot.
Rebel,then changed to be better.
But I go astern,after I have moved so far from my last footstep.
I changed to that no-good-balqis.
Was it,was it because of KMB that I have changed? The culture is different than my previous school.I was educated with Islamic culture since my childhood years up to secondary school.
Then,little by little that I've lost the shy I used to have.
Then I started to do things beyond my principle.
Principle I used to hold on to for years.
Love turns you blind,they said.Because afterall,love is blind.Indeed,when you're in love..you tend to do things that you see is not wrong.People,the spectators know that its wrong.Its just you become irrational,you are being blurred by own lust.
But sometimes(or maybe most of the time),we know its wrong.Yet we continue doing it.Allah send some kind of "off-tune" feeling to your heart,but you resumed.You still do it.That kind of "off-tune" wind that Allah send to you,its a sign that He still loves you.He always do,though.
Allah sent me "off-tune" for a lot of times.
But lust overwhelmed,as always.Love wins.Love,it is not the true love-yet it wins.How fragile are humans,lose after being tested by something unseen.
But,neither would Allah send us tests that we cannot fight for.Its just a matter of you yourself to fight over it.He knows you could.He just want to know who do you love more,is it Him or him?True and unconditional love,or just a mere love that will not going to last long?
You have the answer.
I know I have changed a lot.Its been a long time since my usrah.Because its always me to handle an usrah,instead of me being part of the person to listen in the circle.Been to a lot Islamic lectures,yet I found my heart nowhere.I just didn't put my soul fullheartedly to it,that I am now so fragile when being tested by Allah subhanahu wataa'la.
To be there in the usrah.
Its for the people to change to be better,and people who seek to always be better,and for not so good people that always not good yet he/she knows one day he/she will get the chance to be better.
For all the mistakes I have done past moths.
For sins I have done.
For I set aside His love,and filled with someone else's.
I sometimes go astray.Sometimes I almost got down into the deep ravine.Yet there will always be someone to hold my hand and pull me back,alhamdulillah I saved.I sometimes go far beyond the limit,yet Allah sent the "off-tune" feeling and I was taken aback.During my ignorance times from listening to advices,my heart was actually listening to it.Keep listening to it that it keep on playing like a record in my head.Caused me to ponder,to pause,and rethink.
For who I was the past months,I hope people don't judge.
I just stumbled down to the floor and now I'm awake insyaAllah.
Its always hard to find Him back,His love,His attention...after so long time.
But its a process that will never come to an end.
Let's just walk together,a very brisk walk to find Him.
Because He's always there,its only us that run away from being close to Him.
Let's just forget the past,learn from it and create a new you.A very plain white of you.
It ain't easy,but it will not going to be hard if you're not alone :)