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Dec 24, 2014

Tears of a teacher.

I had my driving class today.
I have to add up few hours to improve my skills,but apparently my skills is still not good enough to get compliment from my instructor.

It was 2 hours of yelling,nagging,and asking me why I can't drive properly.
It was 2 hours asking me what happened to 14 hours of driving practices,yet I still can't do it.

It was a question that I don't know how to answer.Really.
I paid the fees using my own money,some were added by my mother.I put so much effort doing notes of the driving,I came on time,I even walked back to my home for one mile because I don't have sufficient money to pay for taxi because the money I have was used to pay for the fees.

Still thinking I'm not putting effort to improve?

In the middle of the driving,I stopped at the junction.Listening to my instructor's blab,nag,yell(whatever it is) and I cried.I couldn't even see her face,look into her eyes and say anything.

I was all ear to everything she wanted to say.The effort that she never see in me,to improve my mistakes and to be better at driving - I was listening to it.No,I couldn't even let my tiny voice to get out of me and opposed to her words.I'm trying to be obedient though I realized,its not me! I put so much effort to this and I'm trying! Couldn't you see me doing this in sweat when you turned off the air-condition inside the car?

I was still crying at the junction.
It wasn't the first time,really.My first time was with a male instructor,he was being nice and not even any yelling came out of him.He was replacing my real instructor since she has got a theory class to attend.That male instructor was so nice,and I cried for not being able to do well despite of what he has taugh and my another instructor has taught.

I was being sensitive when it comes to driving,that I always thought I'm strong and hardly to cry.Being fragile girl is so not me,but today-I am.

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After the incident of me crying infront of my driving teacher,I got back to my home walking for 1 mile(or less maybe).

I slept and woke up at Zuhr to pray and take bath,preparing myself to go mengaji class.
I went by bicycle,despite the dangerous of going there by bicycle.What to do,my family are in hometown but here I am sacrificing it to go driving class and teaching mengaji.

There's one student that he didn't even able to differentiate between sod,dhod,tho,zho and few more jawi alphabet when he should know.He's already in iqra' 4,so he supposed to be well at the basics.

Maybe I was so depressed today.I asked him to open a page in iqra' 1 and start with the basic.Get to master with alphabet first.

He was reluctant.Maybe he was ashamed for his friends are already reading qur'an and better than him.I am a teacher,I supposed to know what's best for him and I know going back to iqra' 1 to master the basic is the best alternative.

I forced him,and I told him don't go to the next page if you can't still make distinction between the alphabets.He was being reluctant again..again..again.

There you go.His face was down,and dropped tears.
I was so....I blamed myself.What was I doing just now? Ya Allah I just made a boy cried.He was never at fault for not being good,maybe it was me that cannot understand the best way to approach him,the best method to make him understand..What have I done?

I tried my best to make him stop crying.
I hold his hands(jangan risau,budak darjah 2 je pun),and said that I'm truly sorry.
I tried to explain to him the reason why I do so..

but he was still crying and his tears..reminded me of what happened at the morning of the day - of the same thing happened to me.Maybe God was trying to show something.

I was actually listening to his friend's recital,then I stopped.I was crying when I saw him crying.There's no voice coming out of him,and I understand the face of not looking at me when I was trying to explain.

I cried..cried..and cried seeing him.

It was a very fragile day for me.
And I came to know that I'm not strong.Yes I hardly to cry,but maybe it's just like a volcano waiting to burst.

It was a karma day also,for me.
I saw that crying boy in me,and I understand that feeling.
I understand that he's weak,and I'm weak - that is the similarity we have in common that triggered to cry.

I want to go tomorrow,with a new motivation.
No matter what tantrums they're going to throw at me,I'll face with full of strength.
I should be more patient teaching people,for I know I used to be at that shoe.

bye.