Followers

Jun 23, 2014

Being far from them.

Been living far from family ever since I was in Form 1.Its a hard situation,where I have to walk on my own throughout the whole life in a boarding school.

Tak,tak kata kehidupan di asrama ini mudah kerana hakikatnya ada juga duri yang perlu ditempuh.
Rakan-rakan yang dari tingkatan satu selalu sama-sama menjadi lebih rapat dari adik-beradik sendiri.
They're the ones that I've seen their faces almost everyday.We ate 5 times a day,we go to school together,we go to prep class together.

We bathed in the same toilet.
I meant it.That almost everything was done with le friends.

Apabila dah duduk di asrama,aku percaya split personality really happens.I know that its not only me,but its almost everyone.

Masa tingkatan satu dulu,jarang sekali keluarga hantar naik kereta sebab jauh.Seingat aku memang jarang sangat-sangat.Selalunya tumpang orang dan naik bas sendiri.

Bila cuti sabtu ahad,selalunya akan ada keluarga yang datang asrama lawat anak-anak.Outing la in another word.Tidak mengatakan cemburu,tapi itulah..jauh disudut hati.

Selalunya,Puan Ibu akan datang apabila hari report kad(bermula tingkatan 3),dan datang pada hari PIBG.
Tidak pernah datang untuk outing mingguan,sebab jauh KL dan Sabak Bernam.

5 tahun berlalu.

Sepanjang 5 tahun itu,aku akui aku canggung.Canggung whenever I am home,sebab selalu jauh.Neighbours langsung tak kenal,dan tak ambil tahu.Walaupun tiapkali nak balik KL,semua orang akan excited dan aku pun tak terkecuali.

Walhal,balik rumah bukan apa pun.Balik rumah sekadar balik,jumpa mak ayah,beli barang-barang makanan ke stationaries ke yang dah habis kat asrama.Kemudian paling penting,habiskan masa online.Online bukak Facebook,kawan lagi.

Jarang sekali nak spend time berjalan-jalan,atau makan diluar.Sebab tu bila hari ahad,member selalu cerita pergi habiskan masa dengan keluarga,aku hanya menjadi pendengar.

Mungkin itu menjadi sebab aku jadi jauh dengan keluarga.
Jauh tu bukanlah bermaksud sampai putus hubungan,tak.Cuma tak semesra adik-beradik lain.Cuma tak sama dengan life bersama kawan-kawan.

Its such a split personality between friends and families.

Sepanjang 5 tahun juga,masa SPM lah Puan Ibu datang tiap tiap minggu bawa makanan,dan makan bersama.Sembang sikit-sikit kemudian balik.

Begitulah.

Sepanjang 5 tahun juga,makin lama makin sikit perkataan di telefon.Selalunya aku akan menelefon sama ada Puan Ibu atau Inche Abah bila nak balik,sekadar maklumkan yang aku akan balik KL.

Masa form 1 dulu rajin jugak nak call,sebab public phone depan dorm.
Makin lama,tingkat makin tinggi maka makin malas nak call.Lagipun selalunya kalau call Puan Ibu akan engaged ataupun tak berangkat.Ada masanya memang setiap kali call akan engage.Yelah aku faham,beliau harus berurusan dengan klien yang penuh dengan masalah.

Kalau dengan Inche Abah pula,beliau bukanlah jenis yang chatty boleh nak sembang gayut lama-lama.Sebab tu rasanya paling lama cakap kat public phone pun tah,seminit?

Situasi sedemikian membuatkan aku makin makin makin rasa jauh.Terasa makin tidak mesra dengan ahli keluarga,Tak,aku tak pernah minta untuk jadi introvert sebegitu rupa.Tapi hanya salah akukah,atau salah asrama apabila aku membesar sebegitu ?

Fikirkanlah.Aku tak tau,tapi by the time aku menulis perenggan ni,aku menangis teresak-esak.
Aku,rasa lebih baik untuk berada jauh dari keluarga apabila sekiranya bersama mereka,aku jadi tak boleh nak handle emotions aku.Tak boleh nak handle temper aku.

Sebab there are things that I don't like,that they are doing.
Aku lebih prefer sekiranya menegur kesilapan aku dengan suara yang lembut,bukan meninggikan suara.
Itu hanya satu.Sebenarnya banyak benda yang contradict dengan apa yang aku boleh handle.Things yang only friends do understand.

Aku mungkin mampu bersabar,tapi at the end aku akan merengus atau meninggikan suara juga.Kan jadi durhaka gitu? Sebab tu,aku lebih prefer jauh.Sebab bila jauh,aku tahu appreciate kasih sayang keluarga.

5 tahun asrama.3 bulan PLKN.2 tahun di KMB.4 tahun di UK?(Amiin).

Ya,asrama banyak merubah kehidupan seseorang.Be it something that can be blatantly seen,or something that can't be observed.

Andai satu hari nanti aku diberi pilihan untuk menghantar anak ke asrama,aku kata pergilah.Tapi aku akan pastikan bukan sekadar kehendaknya dari segi kewangan yang aku penuhi,tapi cukup kasih sayang sebagaimana adik-adiknya dirumah.Selalu lawatnya di asrama,dan selalu memesannya untuk berhubung melalui telefon awam/

Dan aku masih menangis.Sebab hakikatnya,pedih tu aku sorang je rasa.Rasa hati yang dah lama pendam tu aku seorang je yang faham betapalah aku ni lemah tak berdaya.

Split personality really kills me.Aku takkan sama dirumah dan di sekolah.Malah,dirumah aku menjadi sangat 
introvert dengan sekeliling.Tak,aku tak pernah minta.Aku cuma tinggalkan segala apa yang aku ada di sekolah,bawa pulang personality dan leadership skills yang selalu mereka pandang hebat di sekolah.

Sebab bila pulang dirumah,telinga aku didengarkan yang aku ini tidak mempunyai kemahiran hidup la,harap je pandai tak reti memasak la,macam-macam la yang negatif.

Sesuatu yang berbeza dengan kata-kata disekolah.Susah nak terima pujian dirumah ini,maka aku hanya menjadi seorang kanak-kanak dengan tangan kosong,dan hanyalah a mere child that won't be able to contribute to society.

Aku lupa bagaimana aku 6 tahun dulu.Aku yang tak pernah masuk asrama lagi.Aku yang tak faham perasaan jauh dari keluarga.

entah aku lupa.
Mungkin ini suatu dugaan untuk aku,untuk sentiasa mentaati kedua ibubapa walau hakikatnya aku dah gagal.

masih menangis lagi.
Harap tiada yang membaca post ini.


Jun 22, 2014

For another 2 days left.

OMG I'm so excited,but I just don't show it.What is the point of trying to shoe off your current feeling? heh.

Tell that to Mark Zuckerberg.

So for another two days left,I'll be leaving KL to Banting.Somewhere located outskirts the town,at Selangor.
(Oh even if you ask any KL people,they kinda don't have the idea where the Banting is precisely located)

See that unfair people?They should have known.They should have known that even Banting is located in the midst of pokok kelapa sawit,we have the best IB school.So proud meh.

For another two days left,I'll officially become an IB student,and live for 2 years among geniuses from all over Malaysia.Okay that makes me feel inferior.

For another two days left,I'll officially trying to fall in love with Economics - though I don't even have any idea what would I learn in future or what would I be.Life is full of suprises,isn't it? But yeah,I did a lot of research just to make sure I know things mingling around the world of Economics,and KMB of course.

For making the decision to let myself not doing law,I hope I won't regret.The point is,I am already a step forward.I don't have any way out.I can't turn back time and say I regretted with this decision.

So chin up,balqis ! And put trust to yourself that you will strive the best.That you will give the ultimate energy to IB life,and go to oversea for another 2 years.

I feel so excited.Packing things over and over again,socially trying to adapt myself among virtual KMBian '14-'16 from the facebook group that I hope I won't get introvert or even worse,to feel kinda awkward in a new place.Speaking about that,I am so elated for being able to have some friends which we called ourselves as "Selfie Gang" and so yeah,that blatantly shows the mission of the group heh.


Anyhow,most of my friends have already enrolled to their universities and I am so overjoyed for them.Alhamdulillah for they are success the way they define it :*) 

But I am that annoying me,I just felt that jealousy as I didn't enter KMB yet.Sigh*
You know that feeling when your friends uploaded their orientation pictures in instagram and facebook?You know that God-knows-feeling,when they talk about the classes,kuliah,tutorial,quizzes RELENTLESSLY and I'm so out of clue.What quiz? Macam masa sekolah rendah tu ke? 

Ok that's me,lacking of vocabulary of university version.Pity little girl.

And for the really next two days,I'll upload my instagram with a picture of my things that I'm going to bring to  KMB and its like a lorry you know -_-' But I'm just going to drive a Honda Stream lol.

I'm looking forward for another 2 days of tomorrow,and enrolled myself to the best IB world school.

May Allah ease & bless.Amin.

[please please and please pray for me,and for my success].

Jun 7, 2014

You don't even know what's best for you

Assalamualaikum.
It happened to me;
That I don't even know what's best for me.I dont know if things would work out well,though.
I was given a sea of choices throughout my life,and I couldn't even know that I actually make up things greatly.

Well that was before.

The UPSR & PSRA
Funny to remember this old thing.It was funny,and sort of amusing most of the time.
I was well aware that I received a good grade in those two small exams;I got 5 A's and Mumtaz.
I'm so yearning to go SAM Bestari,a cluster islamic school located at Petaling Jaya.With a good grade that I earn,what stopped me for not going to?
The thing is,I didn't get the offer.Instead,I got SAMTSSAAS.Located at the very outskirt of Selangor,specifically in Sabak Bernam.

I guess,looking back at that moment,it was the best for me.Not until I got my PMR result.

The PMR
Yes,I've been craving for so long to get the hell out of SAMTSSAAS.It was a personal reason,and battling internally and externally to the ups and downs here,I felt sick.I felt such an annoying to continue living myself here.I was kinda hatred,of this school.But as I said before,it was just because some mere personal reasons,that I wish I wouldn't remember.It caused me to cry for 3 days,non stop.No I'm not lying.

and I worked my pants off,to get the best for trials and real exam.
Alhamdulillah for the 9 A's.

And I applied for KISAS,a SBT school in Klang.Its the best islamic school,yet I wish to go here just to get the hell out of my personal problem(can you see my wrong intention,sigh).

Yet,I didn't get the KISAS offer.For 2 times,after my first rejection,and I applied for the 2nd one as 'rayuan'.
I asked myself,what the heck happening? I got all A's,I got a good extra cocurricular background,and why would they didn't choose me?

Allah knows well.

Times passed.
I'm getting to learn more,and find the pearls in samtssaas.I wouldn't say that I always live in a cloud nine,because I'm not.I have my own topsy turvy life here,but I did kicked all the pains and became stronger than I was before.

Allah knows well,and I'm thankful enough to be purely graduated from SAMTSSAAS.

The thing is,I managed to found a lot of hikmah pearls in SAMTSSAAS.The hikmah is ain't an easy going,it took pain and tears and sacrification.

Alhamdulillah,I feel blessed and thankful enough to receive my education here in samtssaas,despite the location that is located outskirt the town hehe :P

But I think,what doesn't kills me always makes me stronger.In the other hand,I found the hikmah in such a hard way,but I think its Allah's best tarbiyyah on me? maybe.



PLKN & DARUL QURAN

This is the best part,for me.I aimed to go Darul Quran,as I intended to get a certificate of memorizing the Qur'an,and to pursue Medic in IIUM.It wasn't easy,as the procedures are tight enough to get me in.I got C in Addmaths,and it was just only a mark to B though.Blame me for main-main during my SPM trial -,-'
(at least I got an A for real SPM,hehe).

And as I expected,I didn't get to go through even to Darul Quran interview.That's just such a worse situation,but I decided to let my life go on.All hail balqis,there are more things to treasure.

So,for my post spm activities,I won't be going to Darul Quran(the intake started on January as they use trial result for the candidates).

To make it easy,I got PLKN which I told my senior that I won't be going to PLKN.No,not at all.
But seeing myself not going anywhere as DQ,I got no reason not to go.

and so I go.

Well,it wasn't that bad.Afterall,it was fun though.I even make a chinese bestfriend,I even sang their song(Xiao Jiu Wo) blergh to that.

Ok,please highlight that balqis listened to a chinese song -_-'

I even met an unrequited love,bahahahahaha.But I even awarded anugerah komandan,bytheway.

It wasn't that bad,as I imagined before.Infact,It was so fun that I wanted to go there again!
(to be frank,I don't want to go for the second time;reminding the black face that I have to face and the food.Sort of,hehe)

The hikmah is all the way throughout my life,and alhamdulillah Allah blessed me though I err so much to Him.
I wonder why He blessed me so much,hmm? 

Because He is The Almighty.The Forgiving.

The KMB vs UIA
I never experienced this yet,but I'm sure enough that He will guide me all the way.

I choose KMB,alhamdulillah.I know,they said IB is pre-U hardest program ever on earth,but I choose IB.

(and that happened after I did my istikharah prayer).

I just need to find the hikmah pearls throughout the IB and all,and insyaAllah He will give me a successful ending.

I believe to You,dear Allah.Despite all the err I've done,I believe that You're The Most Forgiving.

Entah,I don't know what's best for me.Even if it's wrong,I'll fix it(with Allah's wills too).

If it's right,I pray to Allah to make the journey smooth,and managed to fly.

He,is the one that knows what's in the sky and earth.And even what's between.

Just pray hard,and make it right.

Goodbye :)